BitesizeBooks: A Summary of The Courage to Be Disliked: Part 3
By Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga: ( The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks )
Deny the Desire for Recognition
Being appreciated and recognized by others is certainly something to be happy about, such as being commended for your hard work and performance in the workplace, or a congratulation from your parents for acing an exam. But it should not be the thing we seek for. Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others.
The danger of reward-and-punishment education
Let say, for example, you’ve noticed that there is litter around the park, and you feel someone should pick it up and throw it in the trash can. You decided to start picking them up. Although there are several people there, no one seems to notice, not even a word of thanks or an appreciation for your initiative. What will you do?
You might think that since it is not your direct responsibility. And you’re the one that made the initiative, people should recognize it; if they don’t, then you should lose the motivation to continue.
Education by reward and punishment leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people adopt a mindset of “If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise.” And “If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment.” One can adopt an inverted version of this too, “If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions.”
The seeking for recognition dilutes your intention to do the right thing. Instead of being driven to do what is right, it is replaced by wanting to be praised. Just like in our example of picking up litter, if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be dissatisfied or decide to never do the thing again.
Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others
If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? When you seek recognition from others and constantly concern yourself about how you are being judged by others — you’re living other people’s lives.
You should live your own life. You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations. It also follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.
Living a life that is centered on living to satisfy other people’s expectations will lead to a life that is held by others’ versions of they want you to be. In other words, you’ll suppress who you are to live other people’s lives.
How to Separate Tasks
Interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks or having one’s tasks intruded on. To change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically, we need to start separating tasks.
Let’s say, there is a child that is overweight, he is encouraged to have a better diet — to be healthier. As a parent what would you do? Enforce, control, and command a child’s eating habits? One might say, it’s ok because that is the parent task, but “Whose task is this?” A simple way to tell whose task is it, is to think, who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? In regards to the child’s decision of not making adjustments to his diet and lifestyle, ultimately who is going to receive the result of the decision? In this case, is the child’s task, not the parent’s task.
In the separation of tasks, one should not intrude on other people’s tasks. One might say since the parent is more experienced in life and also acts as a guardian. It’s their task to ensure that the child made the necessary things to do, and this is for their good? But this type of mindset can step into the risk of the parent projecting their own goal and imposing their control onto their child, instead of a decision that stems from the genuine intentions and initiatives of the child.
But Adlerian Psychology does not propose a non-interference approach. A non-interference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, the parent’s task is to remind the child that — it is his task to live a healthier life for himself and encourage him to ask for help or assistance towards living healthier. But the parent must not intrude on the child’s task. When there are no requests, don’t meddle in things.
This approach communicates confidence to the child that he can solve his problem. And once the child overcomes his obstacle, there will be a gain of self-esteem through ownership of the accomplishment. Unlike if the parent intrudes on the child’s tasks, such as enforcing and commanding. The credit goes to the parent and breeds child’s dependency, it robs the child of the opportunity to cultivate self-esteem. Also forcing change while ignoring the child’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction. And we must remember, regardless of how much intervention from other people, we are the only ones who can change ourselves.
Discard Other People’s Tasks
Let’s imagine for example your child is going to be a college student, but he would like to pursue a career that is not expected by the family. And you think that it might be a risky endeavor for your child. How would you react? Intervene? Again let’s remember the concept of separation of tasks. In this case, this is the child’s task.
We separate tasks here, by communicating to the child that it is his task. To think for himself about what he should do and try to work things out on his own, and offer assistance whenever he needs it. But assistance is not to — dictate or control, we need to distinguish the difference.
However, it can be very difficult for a parent to not intervene, because when you love someone you want them safe. But you should let the child confront decisions of his/her own, even the task carries risk. A child should not become what their parents want them to become. A child is an individual and is not living to satisfy expectations of anyone.
How to Rid Yourself of Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Let’s imagine a situation and exaggerate it. You’ve chosen a career to pursue, but your parents are adamantly opposed to it. To the point that your father is furious and rant about how you are being very disrespectful, your mother is in tears protesting your decision, and they threaten to disown you if you continue your decision. They wanted you to become a nurse, but you decided to pursue fine arts.
In regards to your decision, the choice of not approving is your parent’s task. Your task is to choose the best path you believe in. This doesn’t mean to disregard your parent’s emotions, everyone’s guidance and suggestions, or to disrespect. The point is — you are the one in the driver’s seat of your life. It is your task. You should think, what I should do is face my tasks in my own life without lying — to not lie to yourself and other people.
Cut the Gordian Knot
Have you heard of the famous anecdote known as the Gordian knot? There was a king Macedonian named Alexander the Great who lived in the fourth century before Christ. He learned of a chariot enshrined in the acropolis as he was advancing on the Persian kingdom of Lydia. The chariot was tightly knotted to a pillar in the temple in Gordias. There was a local legend that said, “He who unravels this knot shall be master of Asia.”
Many skilled men tried, but no one had succeeded. Now, what do you think Alexander the Great did when he stood before this knot? As soon as Alexander the Great saw how tight the knot was, he pulled out his sword and sliced it in half with one stroke. And he declared, “Destiny is not something brought about by legend, but by clearing away with one’s sword.” He had no use for the power of legend and would forge his destiny with his sword.
Similar to the intricate Gordian knots, our bonds in our interpersonal relationships are sometimes not to be unraveled by conventional methods but must be dealt with with a new approach. There are aspects of Adlerian psychology that are counterintuitive to the norms of our social thinking: It denies etiology which explains phenomena through — past causes and denies trauma; Adopts teleology which explains phenomena through — present goals. It treats people’s problems as interpersonal relationship problems, denies the desire to seek recognition, and also — the separation of tasks.
In the separation of tasks, what other people think of you or judgment that is projected towards you — is the task of other people and is something you can’t do anything about. It is to draw boundaries between oneself and others — to not intrude on other people’s tasks. But you might ask, does drawing boundaries in our relationships make people isolated? No, it is a gateway to foster better relationships.
For example in a child-raising situation, when a child is having a hard time tying his shoes, instead of waiting for him to do it himself and just offering guidance along the way, you proceed to intervene right away to deal with the situation faster. It is certainly faster but it is taking the child’s task away from him. And as a result of repeating intervention, it will inhibit the child from learning on his own and will lose the courage to face his life tasks. As Adler says, “Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”
Desire for Recognition Makes You Unfree
If one chooses to seek recognition from others, one is entrusting one’s own life to other people. If you are centered around the recognition of others, you will be too focused on others’ feelings and make sure their expectations are met. And you’ll always be worried about how others perceive you. This is an unfree way to live, but there is a path to freedom — have the courage to be disliked.
Let say, you have a friend that is being held back by his bad habits such as alcoholism, gambling, and lying. You wanted to point out these bad habits and communicate that he needed to make changes to have a better life, and that you are willing to help him by any means necessary. But instead, you proceed to ignore it, for the reason that you are afraid to hurt his feeling and make him dislike you.
No person wishes to be disliked, but If one is living in such a way to always please people, one is lying to oneself and other people.
What Real Freedom Is
No one desire to be disliked by other people, but living true to oneself results in not meeting everyone’s expectations. That’s why there will be people who will dislike you and it will be uncomfortable and can be distressful, it is the reason most people avoid it. Not wanting to be disliked by others is an entirely natural desire and an impulse. But what separates us from animals is our capability to think, to reflect on our thoughts and behavior, and to act on our will — to be able to subdue impulses and desires to values.
Your task is to not lie to oneself and other people, and disliking you is another’s person’s task. We must not be afraid to be disliked, but it should not be mistaken to live in such a way that you will be disliked, and engage in wrongdoings. The point is, to achieve real freedom — is to be ok being disliked by other people.
You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships
Let say, there is a person that did wrongdoing to you, and as a response, you develop hate towards that person. But after some time, you have realized that it is not worthwhile to hold onto that grudges — you want to let go of that hate. Who do you think can make that decision?
In the Freudian etiological way of thinking, you can interpret the situation as: “ It is because someone inflicted wrongdoings to me that causes me to hate and hold this grudge, to let go of this, it has something to do with another person”. But Adlerian teleology position completely reverses the cause-and-effect interpretation. From an Adlerian point of view, The reason you can let go of hate in our situation is that — you brought out the wrongdoings to ensure that you never let go of the hatred. You have the goal of holding on to the hatred.
If we want to let go of hatred, we just need to change our goal of holding on to it, to the goal of letting go. People think in our interpersonal relationship that the cards are held by the other person. But if we adopt the Adlerian teleological position and start separating tasks, you will realize that — we are the ones that holding all the cards.
